Career

On a 'sunny' Melbourne Friday, Luke and I made the journey to Docklands in Melbourne city to have lunch with Daddy. Docklands wouldn't be the most exciting of places in Melbourne, but it brought up all sorts of emotions.

I felt excited to be in the city. I was surrounded by people in fancy corporate style dresses, collared shirts and lanyards swaying from left to right. The aroma of freshly ground coffee floated through the sea breeze as the buzz from the visable Bolte Bridge could be heard amid the ding-dinging of trams.

But amidst all of this excitement there was suddenly a sense of void in my spirit. 

The longing I had for a career, to feel important and like I mattered to society was awakened. Becoming a mother has made my identity take a u-turn, along with the feeling that I was robbed of a career before I could establish myself, even though I'd worked so hard. For a long time I've felt an inward anger about how things panned out. Even though I was semi-satisfied settling for being a relief teacher, I always had the inner feeling I had failed as the one-off students stated I was not a 'real teacher' and the permanent teachers treated me like a second class idiot who 'just couldn't make it', chucking me their unwanted yard duty. And I didn't get a lanyard to sway with my steps.

So there I was walking down Harbour Esplanade, passing by ladies in pretty dresses and men with their latte's in paper cups. Me? I was the dag with the pram. I stopped outside the channel 7 building as the designated meeting place with my husband. While waiting I snapped a picture of myself, with the words "7 Melbourne" behind me. I posted it to Facebook with the title, "my new workplace". Of course I was lying, but part of me was also deeply longing to feel important and a sense of belonging. 

I then went on to tell the people who actually believed me (surprisingly many) that I had scored a part in the soap opera Winners & Losers as a possessive ex girlfriend. I played along with it. 

Sorry, guys, but it's not true! But I'm glad you had enough belief in me to think that I could be doing such a thing.

This year has been a process of letting go of a lot of things. One is the issue of the void career. I need to let go of the fact that I will maybe never teach again. (That said, I still could). Please note that letting go doesn't mean that I've given up, it's just allowing me to get on with the tasks at hand.

I've had to come to terms that this is life now, and instead of stressing my little head over how I'm going to get back into the workplace (which is harder than it seems, the government teaching recruiting rules basically suck but that would require another blog post), I'm focussing on bringing up my son well. I want to do what I can with what I have. Career or no career. And by letting go I can focus on the wonderful journey that Luke and I are on so far. I enjoy singing You Brush Your Teeth ch ch ch ch with my 14 month son far more than I ever felt the joy of watching a class of 20 preps flourish.

And with letting go, I've come to a realisation - and a really wonderful one at that. If I live for career, then when the career doesn't work out, I'm left with nothing - a void. 

I can live relying so much on people and my relationships. But even people will fail - because we're all human. Furthermore, some day I will have to say goodbye to the most special of special people in my life. 

So I want to put my faith in something everlasting. So when everything else falls apart, I will still be holding something. Not a failed career or let down relationship. I'm going to plant myself in my faith in God. Because when careers will fail, and death does us part, God will still be there.