Five Minute Friday: Afraid

I need to learn to be fearless like this boy here

Five Minute Friday: join the fun here.

From the moment Luke was concieved I was afraid. I was crying not tears of joy, but tears of fear. I was so afraid of what having a baby would entail. I was so afraid of going through the birth, I'd only ever been in hospital once and that was because I fell off the monkey bars on my second week at school and needed two stitches. It turns out I didn't need a cesearean and I actually got through the birthing process okay.

And then having a baby obviously brings up all kinds of fear. Within the first two weeks of Luke's life I was looking for answers as to why things were happening. Sleep deprived, I cried at the doctors, I cried at the pharmacy, as nobody could tell me a straight textbook answer I was looking for. I turned into an anxious mess, so scared that I would put a foot wrong.

And you know, the fear kept going. As you expose yourself to a whole wide network of mothers through instagram, facebook, blogs, twitter, articles and the like, you find yourself drowning in expectations. And while you are told that every child is different, you can't help but feel like your doing it wrong because other kids are sleeping through the night, or everyone else has time to sew and bake.

I read a book called Spirit Led Parenting which helped eleviate some of the fear. Still I seemed to drown in the expectations of others, but I am learning to take some time away from technology and breathe.

Because in the end, the experts in the books and the 'supermum' of a friend of a friend of mine aren't raising my baby. I am.

five minute friday: dance

DANCE

GO

After reading a green blog about saving the planet through parenting, I thought that I could try it. I have a box of 50 or so flat nappies and I could totally give it a go. I searched on youtube on how to fold a flat nappy, my heart danced. I am the origami drop out. If I can fold a flat nappy, it's a good start.

I took Luke to the change table and prepared the flat nappy once again. I danced. I sang, "you make me feel like dancin'"...

Luke was dancing too. He loves 'Nappy Off' time. His legs were swaying in the air and he was singing along too.

But then the setback. My dance didn't stop. It changed. It was no longer a happy-dance. It was an angry-dance. In Indonesian, the word sebel would be how I describe it. In fact, this dance I was doing was making me break out in a sweat. An angry, frustrated and anxious sweat.

I blame it on K-Mart and their $2 safety pins. Inside the pin I danced the needle around. It wouldn't budge. I used all of my muscle on my still sore wrists to manipulate the needle to get it out.

Then I danced again. The painful dance. The 'it-bit-my-finger' dance.

As I finally got the nappy on, I felt a sigh of relief. Only to know later the 'hot-water-stinging-my-fingers-while-I-wash-fresh-poo-out-of-this-piece-of-cloth' dance.

STOP

Five minute friday: risk

Five Minute Friday:

1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking.

2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. And then absolutely, no ifs, ands or buts about it, you need to visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments. 

GO

RISK

It's friday. I love the way Fridays are. Something about them feels so relaxed. I dropped my husband off at the train this morning and got a coffee. It was a risk. I got it from the drive thru Krispy Kreme here. It is cheaper than what I usually pay for coffee and not too bad. Perhaps I can go there again, as I can get skinny milk in my coffee and not get out of my car.

Further risk I took today was some experimental cooking. Living in the Masterchef era I feel like I am adventurous with my cooking. Funny, because I didn't grow up out of a strong cooking background (my Mum is a good cook though). I adapted my muffins from this recipe. I made half the batch 'wholemeal banana sultana chia enriched muffins' and the other half 'earl grey, poppyseed and banana muffins'.

It's a risk. Hopefully a delicious one.

The bananas looked over ripe, but they were actually still really good inside. Not the consistancy I want but hey - that's the risk.

Luke is asleep on the couch. I thought he may wake from the banging and crashing - another risk.

He is still asleep.

It has been well over an hour....

STOP

Empty [ five minute friday ]

From thegypsymama.com:

Be brave, come & join #FiveMinuteFriday. Your words are necessary! (<—Tweet this!)1. Write for 5 minutes flat – no editing, no over thinking, no backtracking
2. Link back here and invite others to join in.
3. Please visit the person who linked up before you & encourage them in their comments.

***

EMPTY

I remember at our old church, there was a really funny ambonese preacher (at least I think he was ambonese). I can't remember what he was preaching about, but suddenly he was talking about people who meditate. He began to talk about 'empty'... Being 'empty' and doing a really funny imitation of being 'empty'. 

Now when anything is 'empty' we cannot say it normally, it has to be said in the way the preacher said it that day.

I hate that feeling when I finish something awesome. That is when the empty feeling happens. Like finishing a good book, finishing a great cup of coffee. I hate it how good things come to an end, by becoming empty.

The house is empty. Well, I'm here, but hubby hasn't returned home from work. When he comes back, there will be life again.

Wait, how can I say my house is empty? I am so incredibly blessed and have so much stuff. My hubby used to live in Singapore and his whole life would have to fit into two suitcases. Now we live in a 3 bedroom house in the outer suburbs and we have two sheds and a cubby house. We could no way fit our lives into a suitcase, perhaps more like a garbage truck.

OK STOP!