Five Minute Friday: Afraid

I need to learn to be fearless like this boy here

Five Minute Friday: join the fun here.

From the moment Luke was concieved I was afraid. I was crying not tears of joy, but tears of fear. I was so afraid of what having a baby would entail. I was so afraid of going through the birth, I'd only ever been in hospital once and that was because I fell off the monkey bars on my second week at school and needed two stitches. It turns out I didn't need a cesearean and I actually got through the birthing process okay.

And then having a baby obviously brings up all kinds of fear. Within the first two weeks of Luke's life I was looking for answers as to why things were happening. Sleep deprived, I cried at the doctors, I cried at the pharmacy, as nobody could tell me a straight textbook answer I was looking for. I turned into an anxious mess, so scared that I would put a foot wrong.

And you know, the fear kept going. As you expose yourself to a whole wide network of mothers through instagram, facebook, blogs, twitter, articles and the like, you find yourself drowning in expectations. And while you are told that every child is different, you can't help but feel like your doing it wrong because other kids are sleeping through the night, or everyone else has time to sew and bake.

I read a book called Spirit Led Parenting which helped eleviate some of the fear. Still I seemed to drown in the expectations of others, but I am learning to take some time away from technology and breathe.

Because in the end, the experts in the books and the 'supermum' of a friend of a friend of mine aren't raising my baby. I am.

Have yourself a stressful little Christmas?

Some may say Christmas in Jakarta
is commercialised... But at least they
have pretty decorations.

"I hate this time of year," says most of the people I meet.

I did most of my Christmas shopping before I left for Jakarta because I knew that this week would be crazy. I've already been to Fountain Gate twice and the atmosphere there is anything but joyful and merry. Christmas can bring out the best in people, but a lot of the time it brings out the worst.

And then it gets me thinking, why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we stress over Christmas when there's supposed to be a deeper meaning? Why do I stress that I haven't got 'enough' for someone, like it becomes a matching game of monetary value. What will we eat? What will I wear? Christmas cards. Christmas letters. Family traditions. I haven't got time. Stress, stress, stress.

Whether you believe that Jesus is the reason for the season or not, I'm sure you agree this isn't the way it's supposed to be, right?

Five years ago tomorrow (i remember dates) I would have come home from Kendari, a city with one Christmas tree. Seafood was cheap and it was idul adha the day we left. Then I came home and everything was ridiculously expensive, people were stressing over gifts, yet 48 hours before I was in such a different world where this spirit of stress didn't exist.

And so it's a bit similar now. Jakarta has more than one Christmas tree, but Christmas is very much still a religious celebration over anything (remembering that although Indonesia is a Muslim nation, it is a religious nation none the less). There's a hint of Christmas everywhere you go. Even in the hot weather the bajaj driver wears a Christmas hat. But the spirit of stress isn't there. The stresses in a third world country are so much deeper, and different, but the way they resiliently cope with their poverty never ceases to amaze me - something I wish Australians could learn from.

So as I max out my credit card, buying crap for the sake of having it, I then ask myself what this really is all about. I would love to lovingly create christmas presents, my pinterest is full of ideas. But having just spent the last month overseas has hindered this process. Plus, the thought in the back of my mind that is all about what you spend.

In amongst all the stress there has to be deeper meaning, right? I want to love Christmas. I want to hold my son tight as I sing 'silent night' on a picnic rug to the light of a candle at carols by candle light.

And, let's face it. Probably the highlight of the day on the 25th will be watching Luke open cool presents, then playing with the paper it was wrapped in. (Oh, and just for the record, Luke hate's Santa.. Well, the Myer Santa anyway...)

Maybe we can learn something about such simple joy. Let's keep it simple this Christmas, shall we?

Let your smile be a blessing.

Dear Luke,

This morning we went to the coffee shop. You know the one. We always go there. We were waiting for Kuku.

Poor thing, you hadn't slept since 6am. You were crying in your pram. I kept trying to push it back and forth to settle you but you kept crying. So I took you out and you sat on my lap.

You like coffee. You wanted to grab the cup. I think you first became addicted to it when I was pregnant with you. Oh Luke, I was very sick while you were in my tummy. I had a coffee before work every morning in an attempt to feel better. It would do nothing, but I would feel you moving around in my belly. You love coffee.  I believe you still love coffee through my breast milk. If I don't have coffee you get cranky! Lucky I only have one a day. Max.

You like standing up on my lap, working out your leg muscles. I thought I would try and play with you but you were so tired you began to cry. I tried to comfort you and then you screamed. I stood up and walked around with you. You like that. You like being up high on a shoulder. Works every time. 

I sat back down and with you in one arm tried to finish my coffee so we could go home and you could have a long awaited nap. An old lady walked past and said that you were such a beautiful baby.

"He's even beautiful when he screams!" I joked.

Another lady walked in. She was an old lady. Short. Alone. She ordered a large latte to take away. She seemed almost stressed out.

She waited for her coffee and it was made in an instant. She turned around to walk out and she looked at you, Luke. She smiled and you smiled back. She almost had tears in her eyes as she interacted with you.

She looked at you, and said, "Oh, my day can start now, because I have seen your smile."

And then you laughed.

You laughed that fantastic hysterical laugh. You could see your lack of teeth.

"Oh! I get a laugh too!" She said.

See, some people are lonely. There are so many hurting people in the world. While we often concern ourselves with the big picture - going overseas to feed the hungry (which is of course equally as important!) - sometimes our mission is just here.

Your smile is a blessing Luke. You are a blessing to everybody. 

Tak perlulah keliling dunia

Don't need to travel the world

Keep smiling, baby. I hope when you are older you can read this and know how something so simple can be a big blessing to somebody. My prayer for you my darling is that you will be a blessing to everybody, not because you travel far and wide, not because you are rich, but just with the beautiful personality that I can already see at 5 months of age.

I love you always,

Your Mama

x o x o x o

Big boy food!

That's right - my baby boy started solids today.

I had been suspicious that it was time to start solids as he has been incredibly unsettled lately, and would want me to feed him nearly every 2 hours.

As I am breastfeeding exclusively I thought I would start solids when he was 6 months. So, let's just say I am a month early as he will be 5 months this week.

As our Maternal Child Health Nurse suggested, we started on rice cereal. They suggest to start them on the blandest foods first and not fruits so that they don't get a fussy sweet tooth. 

I have heard so many stories from other mothers that their babies don't take the rice cereal, and I know why - as soon as I opened the package and had a sniff - it smelt like fish food.

I mixed it together with some breast milk I have stored away in the freezer 'for a rainy day'. We sat him in the corner of the couch and put a bib on him. Hendrik heaped it into a spoon and offered to Luke...

... Gulp! 

He took a big spoonful... and another... and another... and another...

He ate most of what we had. I couldn't help but feel proud, but a sense of fear as my baby grows up.

What a fun new adventure this will be!

bilingual boy

My Maternal Child Health Nurse was going through her checklist at our 4 month visit.

"So, does he respond to his name?"

I bit my lip. "Ummmm...." I really had to think about it. Admittedly Luke probably thinks his name is poo-bum, or refers to that as time to change his nappy.

I also call him 'Bubby Boy'.
"Why are you calling him a pig!?" Asked my confused husband one day - 'Babi' in bahasa means pig.

But does Luke know his name? Right at this moment I am trying to get him to sleep. He has gotten out of his wrap and is now rolling around and making typical baby noises. I said in a stern voice, "Luke!"... He looked at me and laughed. I wonder if he thinks it's his name or just another funny noise I make.

I got this in an email I subscribe to which gives me week-by-week guides to my baby:

Even though you can't understand your baby, he's beginning to be able to understand you. That's why it's important to talk to him as you move through the day. Narrate what you're doing: "Here's your bottle." "Ready for your bath?" In a few months he'll understand you perfectly when you say the word "bottle" or "bath." You don't have to be a nonstop chatterbox — babies appreciate quiet, too. All you need to do is converse with him like the little companion he is.

(Read more here)

It made me think about how we speak to Luke, and even how we interact as a family.

Come to our house and you will probably get lost. Naturally, Hendrik and I speak in two languages. We have certain words that automatically come out in Bahasa Indonesia. Some words just stay in English because we can't be bothered. It probably comes across as rude that we automatically just speak Indonesian, but please be assured that we don't do it on purpose.

It made me wonder how Luke will acquire language. We speak very mixed to the point where he will probably think it is all one language. How he will communicate with both sets of parents (one only speaking English, the other speaking no English) will indeed be interesting.

Even when we talk to him, we use both languages. When it's time to eat I say.. "are you hungry?" (with the -gry part of the word very high pitched). Hendrik bathes him every night at says "mau mandi?" (do you want a bath?). I sometimes will speak Bahasa to Luke and he laughs at me.

Something I will be exploring is how to raise a bilingual baby. It's very high on my priority list!

Is there more than one language in your house? How do you manage these languages?

Frequently Asked Questions

Nearly every person I meet asks me, "does he sleep through the night?"

Sleeping through the night? They are referring to my baby, by the way. What kind of 9 week old sleeps 'through the night'? Well, we once had him sleep from 10pm through to 5am but that was a complete one-off.

The second most frequently asked question is "do you have a routine"?

Last week Luke didn't sleep for 11 hours throughout the day. Straight. Yes, of course he was cranky. Funnily enough on that same day I went to my nurse appointment and they started talking about the R-word. Yes, routine. My parenting strategy seems to change each week.

The following day was the New Mothers Group. The topic of course is, yes. Routine!

The Nurse mediating our group had all of these 'suggestions'. First she goes around the group and asks each of us about our 'routine'. Every mother says that they have fantastic routines where the baby sleeps for most of the day... Then it comes to me, and I confessed that I don't have one.

It's not that I haven't tried. It's just that I live life a little on the wild side.

When I first had the baby the scariest thing for me was feeling isolated. We moved to the outer suburbs and while that in itself didn't bother me (I love living where we do), I don't know many people here. Prior to having Luke I was quite willing to drive hours to see people, wheras now I'm gradually getting more and more courage to visit people further and further away. (still not keen on public transport though, and some friends are really only accessible in this way - why not come visit me?)

Anyway, the Nurses here really push the eat play sleep thing. The problem is with me and routines is that I can be very obsessive. I have OCD. I like to sort things. When things become unsorted I get really anxious and lost. In fact I am admittedly so obsessive that I make Luke wait an extra 5 minutes to be fed because it hasn't passed the 3 hour mark. (That's a whole other story in stead)

The Nurse was telling us how we should swaddle the baby and put him/her in the cot. Every time. And to get into a routine I should invest staying at home for a week. This thought alone scared me.

So I went home thinking that suddenly I could pull a routine on Luke and it would work like magic. I fed him, and I played with him, then I swaddled him up and put him in the cot. No way. He wouldn't take any of that. After ages trying to settle him, it was time for the next feed.

Feeling like a complete failure, I sat on the couch feeding him. He fell asleep on one side and I had a cry. Luke doesn't sleep. Luke doesn't have a routine. I'm going to have to spend the next week inside the house and not go anywhere. Hendrik came home and found me in a mess on the couch, Luke asleep on my lap and my face all red from crying.

We talked about it and then continued the discussion at 1:30 am. To my relief we decided not to push the whole routine thing. I don't want Luke to be so structured. I want him to be flexible. I want him to be able to sleep anywhere. I don't want us to turn into a robot, never being able to go out because he needs to be in bed swaddled up. What nonsense. Where does one draw the line.

I can't move!!!

Time went on. Luke does have a sleep now. It is like the eat play sleep but relaxed. And that's what mothering babies has to be, relaxed. No two babies are the same and what the council says I should be doing is designed for some babies, not always my baby.

He is asleep right now. Not in his cot. On the lounge. And that's okay. I don't always have my daytime naps in bed either. I don't think he needs to be swaddled up if he's not in his pyjamas. He will happily sleep there and that's okay. It's about what works for us.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not against those people who are into the whole routine thing. I think routines are great, and particularly when he is older. Even I struggle when things are out of routine (hello having a newborn!)

Now I just need to change his routine. We all go to bed at around 10pm. He wakes at 1:30 for a feed, which is fine. He's still little and needs to eat. But every morning he's up at 5am, and I'm really trying to push it to 6.

ahh.. Routines shmootines.