Here it is, Luke's birthday eve and I'm trying to keep it together. I'm loving and dreading this all at once.
Last night I had a dream that he could run. This morning when I was out shopping I saw a little boy walking with his mum: he didn't look much older than Luke. He waddled along beside his mother, grasping her hand. I need to remind myself that there are so many other things yet to come that I can enjoy with Luke.
This blog post by Lisa Jo Baker really hit the nail on the head for me.
Earlier last year I wrote a five part story about my labour and birth experience. Labour was long - two days. I know I have had a lot of new readers since then, so while we're reflecting on this time of year, I'll post it into one, big, long post for the sake of easier linking in the future. Enjoy.
Chapter one ~ The High Tea
It had been a long and difficult pregnancy, although it did only seem like yesterday when I saw those two lines staring at me, and rushing to my friends house to ask for advice in the middle of the night.
I was certain that I was going to ‘go’ early. At 37 weeks I waited and waited. I knew something was going to happen. But barely a braxon hicks contraction. Nothing. I really wanted to go early and have a special leap year baby born on the 29th of February.
The three weeks before my due date I spent viciously cleaning the house. I was restlessly nesting. But nothing was happening. My due date came and went, and I was still pregnant. I wasn’t looking forward to the birth, but I was so sick of being pregnant. I had been sick for the whole thing. I didn’t see much magic in pregnancy. I wasn’t excited or had any of these feelings that other people seemed to have for me.
Then it happened.
I was on the couch doing my usual pregnant thing. Being lazy, checking Facebook, pinning things on Pinterest. Something on facebook popped up about spare tickets to a High Tea run by Light FM. I was hesitant at first, given that I was already 40 weeks pregnant and more than likely it would be in a different area of Melbourne. But then I asked if I could come along. Why not. It was aimed at mothers, and I was about to become one. Instantly, Lucy, the presenter of their morning show emailed me the details for the high tea the next morning. As I thought, it was on the other side of Melbourne, but I didn’t care as I was going a little crazy being at home all the time.
I was 40 weeks and 3 days when the High Tea was on. I walked in and felt a little awkward at first, but then people started talking to me, and casually asking, “so when are you due”, to which I would reply, “last Friday”. People gave me a look of, ‘are you crazy’, but were generally very nice about it. Lucy so desperately wanted me to go into labour there and then: it would make a great on-air story she said.
I had no feeling of anything happening any time soon. Although, I was a first-timer, I didn’t know what to expect. Was labour so spontaneous that it just comes on while you’re casually eating cake?
The High Tea was great. Sharon from the circle spoke about being isolated, as did GI Jane. I was really glad they spoke about this because it was something I knew I may struggle with, given that I live a fair distance from everybody these days. I got a manicure, and ate these fantastic strawberries.
I didn’t want it to end, because I really liked having people around to talk to. On my way out the crew handed me a showbag and told me their tips to bring on labour: eat spicy food and go for a brisk walk.
I was beginning to get a little desperate. I was already past my due date and I hear it is horrible to be induced. When I got home I began ferociously cleaning a bookcase. Then I went on a fast walk to the mailbox. I almost died walking to the mailbox. It’s outside a milkbar and I had totally lost my breath. I think I worried a few teenagers sitting outside with their cool energy drinks. The problem is, I didn’t look pregnant, I just looked fat. So it looked like a scene from The Biggest Loser.
That evening my husband Hendrik came home. We decided not to cook dinner, but to eat the spicy chips that I got in the showbag. They were nice, but wow were they spicy. I thought I may regret it later as I had suffered pretty bad heartburn the whole pregnancy.
I watched some TV to give the chips a chance to reach my stomach and then went to bed. I slept really well, until about 1am…
That’s when ‘it’ started.
Chapter two: the beginning...
It was 1am onWednesday, the 21st of March 2012 when I felt a twinge. I got up togo to the loo and told my husband I thought I could be in labour. I keptgetting these strange feelings in my stomach, like a pain. They would come andgo at different times. Actually, it wasn’t that bad. If this is what labourwas, it was going to be easy. How wrong I was!
Hendrik insisted Icalled the Midwife. I got on the phone and the midwife told me not to worry.She said that it sounded like I still had a fair way to go. She explained thatcontractions generally get worse with time, and that they would gradually worktheir way into my back. She also told me that they would be more regular andcloser together.
By 5am I thought theyhad gotten worse and closer so I rang the midwife again. Because I had rang asecond time, and I sounded like I had absolutely no idea what I was talkingabout, she asked me to come in at 9am for an assessment.
We got up, hadshowers, ate breakfast and were down at the hospital by nine. I was in mypyjamas still. We had put the bag in the car for my hospital stay.
A nice midwife calledJess came and took me to a consultation room. Hendrik happily told her that Ihad a sister called Jess also. She hooked me up to a machine to monitor thebaby’s heartbeat and my contractions. She made me press a button whenever I hada contraction.
After two hours hookedup to this machine, Jess feeling my stomach, she then said that she wanted todo an internal. An in-WHAT? I explained that I was totally not okay with this,but really, it had to be done. I think I may have cried.
I was already 3cm ofthe way to a baby! I was excited, because this meant I was in pain for a goodreason.
Then Jess said, “okay,you can go home now”. Go home? Am I not having a baby today? She then explainedI needed to go home, because if I stayed there they may start inducing me orsomething. So home we went.
I woke up severaltimes throughout the night when the contractions seemed to be getting into myback. I called the midwifes a few times and they told me several things, that Ishould have a warm shower. So I had a 2 hour shower (or so it seemed). Istarted using a TENS machine, which is like electric pulses that go down yourback to confuse the pain. At first it worked, but in the end it just felt likeit was burning a hole in my back.
That night I calledthe midwife again and she told me to use a warm pack on my back and have apanadol. I had bought a warm pack for labour off eBay – one of those liquidones that ‘frost up’ when you press the little button inside and they heat up.I should have tested it a few weeks before, because it didn’t work!
The pain got so badthat I began to scream every time I got a contraction. Hendrik ‘breathed’ withme, but eventually I felt like I couldn’t do all that stupid breathing theytalk about. I was in so much pain I couldn’t even pee. Something felt so wrong.
By Friday morning (sotwo days later), Hendrik told me to stop calling the midwives and being bubbly.He told me to seriously call them and tell them that I am in so much pain. Idid. A contraction came on while I was on the phone and so they then insisted Icome in.
It was raining veryheavily. Hendrik dropped me at the entrance of the hospital and I went in.Suddenly everything became overwhelming and I began to cry. I sat on a littlechair and cried while Hendrik parked the car in the ridiculously expensivecarpark. A pregnant lady came and asked if I was okay (remembering that Ididn’t even look pregnant. Just fat). I explained the events of the last 48hours as this stranger comforted me. She said that she would be doing the samething in the next few weeks.
Hendrik arrived and wewent upstairs where midwife Jess met us and took us straight into theconsultation room. She did another one of those horrible examinations, and saidthat I was now 6-7cm.
She immediately gave me a room, Hendrik got my bags, andI settled in.
I had wanted a waterbirth from the beginning. Every time I had called the midwife I reminded themof this. Jess came in and sadly broke the news to me that I couldn’t have awater birth as there was nobody on that day who was trained to do one. My heartshattered. It was going to be my way to get through labour. I didn’t know how Iwas going to now.
Not long after that,the head-midwife came in and asked a favour. There was a student doctor whoneeded to witness a birth. I said sure, thinking the more the merrier. How Iregretted it when he walked in, was actually rather good looking and muchyounger than I was. I didn’t want that nice young man staring where the sun doesn’t shine!
Chapter three: high
So suddenly there was a good looking student doctor introducing himself to me, and a contraction comes on and I’m trying to be polite. The midwives offered me sterile water injections as I was in so much pain and it was mostly in my back. The catch was I had to be incredibly still as a contraction came on for them to put it in. Didn’t think I’d be able to. So I declined.
Then one of the midwives suggested I tried the gas. I hesitated but agreed. This is where the real fun began.
As instructed I inhaled the gas as a contraction came on. I thought it may taste foul, but it didn’t taste like anything. But boy, did it have an affect! I started saying “wow! That is great!” I turned to Hendrik asking if he wanted some. I then recall laughing hysterically. I was definitely on a high. Did it do anything for the pain? Probably not. But it was great!
Despite not being allowed to have a waterbirth, I could get in the bath for pain relief, which was bliss. We all wandered down to the bath room (I stumbled down there). We took the gas too. In I got into the bath, fully naked. It was nice. Except for the fully naked part. I had actually packed Hendrik’s bathers as well so that he could get in too. Didn’t happen. Hendrik ended up going downstairs to get some sushi. He asked if I wanted any. Of course bloody not!
While Hendrik was gone, I was laying there naked in the bath feeling rather awkward. I started talking to the young doctor… “So…. Which uni do you go to? Oh… Monash! Right, I wanted to go there.. I went to La Trobe..” You know, small talk. As much as I could to distract myself from being big fat and naked in a bath with people watching.
My contractions were getting stronger and that urge to pee was not going away. I couldn’t though no matter how I tried. I sucked and sucked on the gas like crazy. Jess checked the baby’s heartbeat. It was over 165. They told me they would check again in 5 minutes and if it was still at that rate I had to get out.
Hendrik came back and said that my Mum had been trying to call. I really didn’t want to worry her, but obviously when she had tried the home phone, my phone and Hendrik’s phone for a number of hours and couldn’t get through she was getting suspicious… and worried. I actually planned not to tell anyone, including my parents until after I had given birth. Hendrik asked if he could call her, and I agreed. She needed to know that I was okay. He went outside and made the phone call.
Meanwhile, Jess checked the heart rate of the baby and it hadn’t gone down. I had to get out of the bath, which was a real shame because I was really enjoying the warm water. Hendrik came back in and said that he had spoken to my Mum, and that she was very happy.
Suddenly when I got out of the bath, got my clothes back on (no bra, no undies. Who cares), I began to cry as I made my way back to the birthing suite. Jess asked what was wrong, and I couldn’t really pin point it. Then she said, “okay, that’s enough gas I think.” Apparently it can make you teary if you have too much, and I’d obviously been having too much of a good time.
The good-looking doctor had gone to lunch. I was alone with the midwives and Hendrik. The contractions were becoming unbearable. I tried the gas again but it had lost its affect. I was sucking so hard and then just screaming because it hurt so much! Then between the contractions something remarkable happened. I was on the biggest high I have ever been in my life. One midwife came over to me and checked my pulse. I looked at her eyes. They were this beautiful, greeny-bluish colour, just like mine. I then told her, “you have such beautiful eyes”. Jess came over a bit later and I noticed her eyes were the same colour. “You have beautiful eyes too!”
The contractions grew stronger and the midwives had to put a catheter in to drain my bladder as I felt so like I needed to pee and couldn’t. It didn’t hurt nearly as much as I feared it would, and it definitely took away that horrible, uncomfortable sensation.
Jess then said she was leaving and I was mortified. But she left me in the hands of another midwife that told me I had to stop screaming. Her name was Kelsey. Kelsey told me that the pushing part is easier, because you can actually focus on putting the pain somewhere. Pfft. Yeah right?
Then a mega beast of a contraction came. I screamed like I was about to die. I was now in so much pain. I asked for what I never thought I would, and that’s an epidural. The midwife almost laughed. It was way too late for that. I started saying some really stupid things like, “there’s got to be another way!” and “I don’t want a baby!” I think the midwives are used to this.
Then suddenly, there was a very weird sensation. I felt something leaking. And then I gave the biggest scream I have ever screamed in my entire life…
Chapter four: PUSH!
Suddenly I was screaming louder than before. I didn’t know that it could even be possible. Kelsey took a look and said that I had ruptured my membranes. That’s fancy midwife talk for waters breaking. I was beginning to panic. I had heard stories about the water being different colours meaning the baby was distressed. I asked that they were normal, they were.
I had the sudden urge to push. I began to scream. “I need to push, I wanna push!”
I could see the feet of the good looking doctor behind the curtain. I was feeling so miserable I almost told him to bugger off, but then thought I may eventually appreciate the extra company and set of hands (as long as they stayed away from ‘that’ area) later on.
Kelsey told me I needed to calm down, and that I couldn’t push until they checked me out first. I had some more gas and the head midwife, I think she is the boss, came in and told me to calm down. By then I had had some more gas and I looked into her eyes. They weren’t that lovely green colour like Kelsey and Jess’, but they were brown. Nonetheless I told her she had beautiful eyes also. Then Kelsey broke it to me that I couldn’t have gas when I was pushing. I was devastated.
They had to do another one of those invasive internals to make sure I was 10cm before I could start pushing. And this time I had to have two, to make sure. By this stage it didn’t hurt anymore. Thank goodness I was 10cm.
Kelsey asked what I was having. I didn’t tell many people what I was having when I was pregnant so I hesitated, but I told her that I was having a boy. She asked if I had a name picked out and I told her that I had, and it was a secret!
They raised the bed so that I could hang over the back of it. They said it would be easier to push this way and that gravity would help me through it. It was so hot and they made me take off all of my clothes. By this stage I figured everyone had seen everything so why not. I was still boiling. I asked if they could turn the heater off, but they said they had to keep the room really warm for when the baby came out.
I looked at the clock. It was about 5pm. I had no idea how long it would take to push the baby out. I actually doubted somewhat that I could, as I thought that because my Mum had me via C-section, it must automatically make me the same. The midwives didn’t understand that when I told them. This is the part when I started to push.
With every contraction I pushed like I was doing a poo. The midwives were cheering me on, saying, “put it into your bum! Yeah, that’s it!” Then they got a torch out and shone it where the sun doesn’t shine. “Wow, he has black hair like his daddy!” they said. The student doctor had to hold this thing to check the baby’s heartbeat against my stomach. It was so tight and uncomfortable but it had to stay there.
I think I may had done a poo. It felt like I was not getting anywhere, but the midwives assured me that the baby was definitely moving down. Throughout the course of the pushing, I thought about really random things, such as the tulips in Holland. Then I thought, maybe it’s not a boy. Maybe the sonographer got it wrong! She was a student, and it could have just been an umbilical cord in the way. I needed to get this baby out, because I needed to know.
Once I got near to the end of pushing, they made me change position – to my side, lying down. Hendrik was given the job of holding one leg up in the air. I asked him to put it on his shoulder so that it didn’t feel like it was going to fall. As I continued to push, Hendrik held my leg while the student doctor wiped my face and gave me sips of water.
Kelsey got an apron on. She told me to do little puffs and push very slowly. She told me it would sting. As I kept going I kept waiting for the sting. No sting, perhaps the baby is still a fair way off. I kept pushing and puffing, and just when I thought it’d be at least another half hour, suddenly the pressure was gone and I saw a whole body slip out…
Chapter five - An End and a Beginning
A woman giving birth to a child has pain because her time has come; but when her baby is born she forgets the anguish because of her joy that a baby is born into the world. – John 16:21
It was 5:58pm. I didn’t expect everything to happen so quickly. I don’t know what I expected with the pushing phase. I thought perhaps three hours. One hour was all it took.
I didn’t expect that once the head was out the body just slipped out so quickly. I remember seeing a little body and I was shocked that it was already here. Before I knew it Kelsey had picked it up and placed it on my chest. What on earth just happened? I was a bit worried because the baby didn’t initially cry, but soon enough it did! I gave it a bit of a cuddle and it stopped and just gazed into my eyes.
Hendrik was on my shoulder crying, but then was staring at the baby as amazed as I was. I checked, it was a he. I felt an overwhelming sense of joy that I’d never thought I’d feel. I spent nine months thinking how my life would completely change and that I probably wouldn’t like it. I think I was around people that led me to think that way also. This all faded away when I looked at his little face (that didn't really look like me at all).
He was so incredibly adorable. I think I said this many times. I just wanted to wrap him up and go straight home with him and cuddle him all night. I was in love like I’d never felt before. I wasn’t in pain. Suddenly I felt a sting on my side. The midwife injected me with oxytocin which was to get the placenta out. I wasn’t too concerned. I was way too enthralled with the baby on my chest. When the placenta came out we stared at it, thinking, oh my goodness that is HUGE! (Bigger than the baby.. Where did I hide all of this?)
Hendrik cut the cord. Kelsey asked his name. I proudly said, “Luke”. Luke was born hungry. I’ve always been fascinated with how babies grab onto your finger really tightly. One of our first moments together when he grabbed my finger, and strongly pulled it into his mouth and began to munch away.
I kept saying over and over how adorable he was, like I was surprised about it. I could tell by the 20 week scan that he had Hendrik’s flat asian face. He looked a lot like Hendrik, with big Chinese eyes.
A midwife came in and said that they had to give me a few stitches. I freaked out. The only time I have had stitches was when I fell off the monkey bars in my first year of primary school. That was only 2 stitches and it was a traumatic experience. They said I could have some more gas they did it, but actually I didn’t feel it. Awesome. Free gas.
Then, we called my Mum. She was about to go to Adelaide to fly over the next morning. My Dad was excited, as was my friend Luke who we named him after.
I lied there with Luke on my chest for about 2 hours while Kelsey did the paperwork. A lady came in looking for me. She had my dinner. Just in time! I gave Luke his first feed, then Hendrik got clothes ready for Luke and I had a shower! I remember looking at myself in the mirror thinking how hot I’d just suddenly become.
We moved to another room, which had a double bed meaning Hendrik could stay the night with us. I didn’t want to sleep. I wanted to stay up all night looking at my gorgeous baby.
So this is the end of my birth story, but really the start of another. Even though my labour was long, the life after with a newborn is where the real challenges started.
The End.
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